I am so glad you're here! This is my little corner where I get to share some of my most favorite images from engagements, weddings, births, my travels and my own little family from time to time. Hang out, look around, and please reach out to say hello!
It’s true! Come mid-February 2015, our little family will be increased by the cutest little photographer’s assistant you ever did see. Granted, we’ve only seen his/her profile in the ultrasound but it’s the cutest ultrasound profile ever! Not that I’m biased at all.
(I’d thought about trying to set up a tripod for this shot, but thankfully, Kim was willing to take it for us!!)
As I’m posting this, I’m 12 weeks and 3 days along and my official due date is February 17 (although, I’m really hoping this little one will come several days early on February 12 since that was my dad’s birthday… he would have been turning 66 when this little one is born). But, as we all know, babies come when they’re good and ready and when God says it’s time! So, we will just wait and see when this one will make it’s debut!
The first trimester has actually been ok. No actual morning sickness (so thankful and I know it’s a huge blessing!) but I’ve had plenty of days where queasiness was my tag-along friend all day long. At this point, if it shows up at all, it’s mainly in the evening and that is fine by me. I haven’t had any super strange cravings or anything like that, but I went through several weeks where the idea of cooked veggies turned my stomach. Which was awful because I LOVE throwing almost any kind of vegetable into a pan with some coconut oil and salt. Easy, done, delicious. It’s only been this week that I’ve been able to stomach those again! I guess my biggest craving has been for lemonade/sour things and cheeseburgers and fries. YUM! Ben has been SO patient and SO amazing through all of this and I’ve known for ages that he was/is going to make the best dad.
God knew from the beginning what kind of husband I needed and even though it seemed like I waited forever to meet him, it was 100% worth the wait because I can’t imagine walking through this year with anyone else. Because the truth is, this isn’t our first pregnancy. And I debated whether to share this part of our journey at all, but this blog isn’t just for me. It’s for however God wants to use it. And if He can use my story to encourage someone out there reading this, then I want to put it out there!
Back in January we got a positive pregnancy test. I was in shock – not because it was that much of a surprise, but because it just didn’t seem real! But, I took 3 over the course of a weekend and they were all positive! So I called my doctor and they set our appointment for what seemed like ages away. But, at the appointment on February 19, I would be 9 weeks and 4 days so they wouldn’t have any trouble seeing the baby and finding a heartbeat. As we sat in the waiting room on that morning (that did indeed seem to take forever to arrive!), I was anxious. But I didn’t know why. I’d clearly been pregnant for almost 9.5 weeks, with the queasiness, the food aversions, the crazy sense of smell, everything! But something wasn’t sitting right. However, I was trusting that God was in control and besides, there wasn’t anything I could really do about it anyway. So when they called us back, I climbed up on the table and the ultrasound tech turned down the lights and started the exam. As I looked at the monitor though, I didn’t see anything. No movement, no cute profile, nothing. My heart began to race and I asked her why I wasn’t seeing anything. Ben grabbed my hand and she said she was going to take a couple more measurements and then we would talk about it. She asked me again what the date was of my last cycle and I told her I was 1000% sure it was correct (my body is like clockwork, it’s crazy!). So she explained that while there was a yolk and a sac and my body thought I was growing a baby, there in fact wasn’t a baby at all. It’s called a blighted ovum and you can read more about that here.
And as tears streamed down my face, Ben kissed my hand and said, “Our hope is not in this and God is STILL good.”
We went to another room to wait for my doctor and we just stood there holding each other and cried. I honestly had no idea what to do, what to think, or what to say. For several weeks we thought we would have a baby in our arms by September/October and in just moments, all of that changed. When my doctor came in, she was heartbroken with us and said that there was nothing we had done wrong and there was nothing we could have done differently. We are both healthy and still young and still had plenty of time to have kids so while this was devastating, she was encouraging us too. She reminded us that the process to make a baby has to have such perfect conditions and that in reality, all of us are walking miracles. And it’s so true. Each child, each person, is a true gift and this whole experience has helped me look at people around me through different eyes. My doctor went on to explain that I would still have to miscarry since my body had been prepared for a baby and that I could either wait for it to happen naturally, have a D&C, or take some medicine at home to cause it to happen. We decided to wait and let it take care of itself, especially since we were getting on a plane to California just two days later. She said it should happen on its own and everything would (eventually) be alright. Well, we went on our trip and amazingly, my symptoms disappeared about a day after that appointment.
The trip was fine and we came home and I continued to wait for something or anything to happen. But nothing was going on. So, I called to make another appointment to talk about options… and to have one more ultrasound just to make sure there really wasn’t a baby. About a week after getting home, I went for my appointment and another ultrasound and there still wasn’t anything there. So, in talking things over, we decided to take the medicine over a long weekend at home and just rest. Ben took a Friday off of work and I took the medicine Thursday evening (I was to take it and lay flat in bed for up to 6 hours for it to take affect). The pain of the cramps woke me up about 4 hours later. I won’t go into details, but that day was just another part of the grieving process. It was painful physically and emotionally and I have never been so thankful to have Ben there with me. The pain subsided as the weekend went on (of course the painkillers the doctor prescribed definitely helped) and we watched movies, worked on a puzzle, and Ben made me French Toast. Twice :-) Isn’t he the best??
The following 4-6 weeks is a bit of a blur because each time I went back to the doctor, everything that should have been gone wasn’t gone at all. My doctor was worried at the beginning of April because if things weren’t moving, then bacteria could start growing and I could get an infection. So, she did a procedure there in the office and thought that in the next couple of weeks, everything should be gone. But at my next appointment, there was still remnants of tissue. All I wanted to do was cry. And I did. I called Ben to come meet me at the doctor’s office and texted friends to be praying because my doctor was going to try the procedure again and I cried out to God asking that this would be it and it would all be over this time around.
Ben arrived just before they got started and held my hand and wiped my tears away as the doctor and nurses did their thing. She was so hopeful that everything was gone this time, but gave me a milder dose of the medicine I’d taken in March to cause the miscarriage to begin with saying that even if it wasn’t, this would get rid of it for sure. The next morning I stood in my kitchen with a chai latte in hand and just stared into the back yard. I was tired. God knew I was tired. I didn’t know how to pray, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t even know what to ask. So I just praised Him for who He was and thanked him for the amazing staff at the practice and for my incredible husband He’d given me. It was literally all I had left…
On May 1 I had a followup appointment and as she did the ultrasound, we saw nothing. No remains of any tissue at all! I honestly felt like balloons and streamers should have been falling from the ceiling! Finally, ten weeks after our appointment when we thought we were going to see our baby, the whole ordeal was over. I was finally back to normal and began to feel like a regular human being again! We had no idea when God would decide to give us a baby, but as Ben had said that day back in February, God was still good. And if God has taught me anything over the last 20 years, it’s that His plans are always far greater than mine.
Throughout all of it, God kept putting the word HOPE in front of me. It was one of the first words out of Ben’s mouth at that first appointment. It’s the center of Romans 15:13 as I talked about in this post back in March. And after one of the most physically and emotionally difficult crossfit workouts sometime in the midst of it all, God clearly said the word hope to me as I was struggling to catch my breath. So, I wanted to always have that reminder in front of me. That God is my hope… not anything or anyone else in this world. And so it’s now on my wrist as a tattoo. God marked me and grew me and transformed me through all of this and I didn’t ever want to forget what He’d done. So the word Hope in on my left wrist in Hebrew. It’s always in front of me, it’s always with me, it’s always reminding me that God is my hope. We are so amazingly blessed that God decided to give us a child so quickly after all of this happened. But we knew that even if it took several more months or even years, that God had a plan and we were ok with that. It’s not to say it wouldn’t have been hard and I wouldn’t have had a million questions along the way, but I trust Him. He’s never let me down and He never will so I’ll keep holding onto that.